Larry's Love Life
by Walshicus
Summary: Not strictly a Discworld story, but the style was said to be quite Pratchettesque, so I added it. I've never really done humour before, so I hope you like. EDITED I didn't realise how poor it was until I re-read it recently. Luckily I've addressed errors.


For the less observant of you, let it be known that this is a story. More specifically it is a story about a man. More truthfully it is a story about a boy.*  
  
This might be a good point to mention that this boy is not a member of the human race; in fact his evolutionary ancestors are as far removed from apes as the colour red is to a radio wave; both part of the same spectrum, but manifested in somewhat different ways.  
  
The boy is essentially a highly advanced, bipedal ant from a planet orbiting a star near the galactic core. His name is Larry, which when you think of the sheer scale of the universe, and the number of worlds inhabited by intelligent life, (a rather large number) combined with the limited number of combinations of syllables available, isn't really that odd an occurrence.**  
  
Larry was kneeling at the feet of a girl, who was also an advanced ant. The higher set of his arms were outstretched symbolically to her, his head was bowed, and his mandibles quivered nervously as he prepared himself.  
  
"Grethua, daughter of Kriin, fifth heir to the matriarchal throne of the house of Hei'cha'la'wa'wa." said Larry. Well, almost. What he actually said, he said in a language far too alien for any human to understand. The above approximation will just have to suffice. "Oh respected Grethua, lovely in your effervescence. Might I please, that is if you would be so ki- ," he said before being interrupted by the flailing of Grethua's hands in front of him.  
  
"Can you please get to the point you silly little thing" she said tartly. Larry blushed hotly, which was not an easy task for an insect, no matter which planet he is from. He rose to his feet with a newfound determination to see his task through. Drawing upon his meagre reserves of bravery, he opened his mouth and hurriedly said:  
  
"Want to go out with me?"  
  
There was a pause. And then a snigger, the horrible snigger of someone not quite sure if they'd just heard the funniest joke in the universe or something very horrible. The snigger turned to all-out laughter, and subsided only after an entire minute.  
  
"Silly Larry. You almost had me worried there. For a moment or two I thought you were actually asking me out," she said.  
  
"But I was!" Larry spluttered, unsurprisingly rather upset by her reaction. His lower mandibles seemed to be on the verge of secreting Lurns; a kind of mucus best described as the insect equivalent of a tear.  
  
"Oh." she said, realising to her horror that he was being quite serious. She stared at him for a while, before finally saying "I'm sorry Larry, dear. It just wouldn't work." Her ambition to let him down gently might have succeeded had she not added: "Because you're ugly as an aphid,"*** laughed heartily and patted him on the head.  
  
"Please?" he asked hopefully. He had hoped that maybe, just maybe, sheer willpower would turn her to him.  
  
"Well... no," she said as politely as she could, before running along to a group of altogether 'cooler' ants, most of whom had pierced abdomen. She often maintained she was delicate in all matters, to which many agreed - she was delicate in the same style as a neutron bomb. Though Larry's heart was left intact, it was now somewhat devoid of joy, hope, love and all those other good things.  
  
You might be wondering just what the point of this story is. In all honestly you're probably quite right to be confused. Well, this story is to demonstrate that no matter how terrible you may feel your love life to be, it's nothing like as bad as that of the fictional Space Ant named Larry.  
  
* Though it is safe to assume that baring any accidents or significant changes of character, this boy will grow to become a man.  
  
** Indeed, this could just as well have been a story about Larry D'lop, a member of a race of hyper intelligent carnivorous sea cucumbers from Tau Ceti 7; though it would have been mostly about the digestion of oceanic nutrients, interspersed with rather deep thoughts on the nature of existence, truth, beauty and shrimp.  
  
*** On a world populated by intelligent Ants, is it surprising that the Aphid is that planet's answer to cattle? 


End file.
